


To us, from once upon a time ago

by PotatoPIerrot



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Starting Over, baring feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-27 21:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12590428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PotatoPIerrot/pseuds/PotatoPIerrot
Summary: “What was it that you wanted to talk about?”Kaneki’s voice quavers ever so slightly, his smile little more than a brave front.He takes a deep breath to gather his courage before turning his board towards him.“It’s about back then, when you first found out you were turned into a ghoul.”





	To us, from once upon a time ago

**Author's Note:**

> HEY GUYS GUESS WHOS NOT DEAD AHAHAHA  
> definitely not me oh man-
> 
> I originally only posted this on my tumblr, but since i'm pretty happy with how it turned out (especially some of the one-liners wOWBOI) i thought i'd share it here as well! i've wanted to write something focusing on Hide's feelings that are not rose-tinted for a long while now, but i somehow never got to it until now?? welp but here goes anyways _(:D enjoy! 
> 
> Note: it also contains hints of possibly OEK descendant/garden kid!Hide because i love those theories but hECK

Hide runs the pad of his thumb over and over across the corner of his whiteboard.  

The air is thick, tense. The silence like physical weight, the meter of space between them too close yet not far enough. Hide doesn’t like it, this atmosphere. It doesn’t suit them, doesn’t suit the fact that all along he’s been so good at breaking the tension yet it’s as if he’s completely forgotten how to do it when it matters.  

“What was it that you wanted to talk about?”  

Kaneki’s voice quavers ever so slightly, his smile little more than a brave front. Hide understands; if he could still speak proper words they’ll probably tremble as well. It’s a difficult subject to breach, seemingly so insignificant in comparison to the scale of the recent happenings they’re part of. But it’s something Hide wants to make clear while they still have the chance; something he hopes will help the both of them move on in some way or another.  

He takes a deep breath to gather his courage before turning his board towards him.  

“It’s about back then, when you first found out you were turned into a ghoul.” 

Kaneki visibly stiffens, gaze instantly darting away from his. He hugs his elbows, his expression twisting with guilt. A deep, deep guilt that convinces Hide even more that they need this talk.  

“I’m s—” Kaneki begins, but Hide leans forward and presses his fingers on his lips before he could finish. Kaneki stares at him, eyes wide—a bit fearful, even. As though dreading his words, his judgement.  

“Before you apologize, could you listen to what I have to say first?” 

Something stirs in his chest, settles uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach. It’s difficult for him, too. He’s finally facing them, the emotions he’s forcefully pushed aside in order to keep going, in order to keep himself from dwelling in a reality he can’t change. His frustrations, betrayals, loneliness—he lets them trickle back, careful to keep them under tight control so he won’t be pulled under and taken apart. He’s done all he could to ignore them, but he knows they’ve always been there; festering over time and eating at him from the inside like parasites.  

Hide waits. He waits until Kaneki nods before he deftly cleans his whiteboard, finding himself hesitating over what he should write next and how he should word it. Part of him wishes he could’ve done this on different terms, in simpler times where there isn’t already so much pre-existing tension in the air prior to this conversation. Yet part of him also feels it’ll almost seem mocking if he’s going to put it all out with a grin and a laugh. Like he’s not just belittling Kaneki’s emotions but also his own.  

“Why couldn’t you tell me when you were turned into a ghoul?” 

Hide already knows the answer to this, the reason Kaneki tells others and also himself. He couldn’t tell him because he’s afraid he might hurt him, he might drag him into the world of ghouls and maybe even get him killed, and that nothing scares him more than not being able to be by his side any longer. Hide’s heard it all after that incident with Nishiki, after finding peace with the fact that he’s okay with Kaneki eating him for the first time.  

It’s the answer Kaneki gives once more, but it’s not the answer he seeks.  

“That’s not the whole truth, isn’t it?” 

Hide keeps their gazes locked, willing his best friend not to look away. Kaneki seems almost… _cornered_. Hide feels a stab in his chest, frustrated by how despite all the pain he’s caused him he still  _cares_ , still wants to tell him to forget everything and just play pretend nothing happened with him because it’s so much easier to bear.  

“Were you afraid I would’ve come to hate you?” 

Asking this is like twisting a knife into his gut. Part of him still refuses to know, refuses to listen. Yet he keeps his eyes up, watching Kaneki’s every movement and reaction.  

“I was afraid you would start seeing me as nothing more than a monster.” Kaneki’s voice is strained when he finally answers, his words speeding up as he goes on. “You…you were all I had left then, Hide. If I lost even  _you_ —I couldn’t imagine it; I was so  _afraid_. I—I didn’t know what to  _do_.” 

“Did you— “Hide hesitates yet again, his fingers tight around his marker— “did you think I was the kind of person who’d shun my best friend just because he turned into a ghoul?” 

“We eat people, Hide! It’s what’s expected from any normal person!” Kaneki’s tone rises almost to a shout; exasperated, begging him to understand. Hide doesn’t as much as flinch. He taps his board, staring levelly at him as though asking the question again. _Did you think I was like that?_  

It takes nearly a full minute for Kaneki to speak once more. “...No. I knew if it was you, you’d do everything you could to help me, even if it meant risking your life. And I didn’t want that—you had nothing to do ghouls, I couldn’t possibly make you throw everything away just for my sake!” 

“So instead you decided to leave first.” 

“It was the most I could done then. I made a lot of enemies; if they picked you out as a target because of me I would never have been able to forgive myself. And,” he breathes, curling up into himself and hiding his face, “I didn’t want you to see me as I was then; changed to the point where I was barely... _me_. I wanted at least one person to remember me as simply Kaneki Ken, not Eyepatch or Centipede or the mess of an existence I became.”  

“Have you ever thought how  _I_  would feel when you suddenly disappeared like that?” Hide whispers because he knows he won’t be able to coax him to look up again with just written letters, now that he’s assumed that position. Rawness flares in his throat when he hears Kaneki cough, failing to mask the sound of his tears. 

“I genuinely hoped you would’ve been able to hate and forget about me after long enough. I thought with how you are with other people, you’d easily be able to move on with someone else.” 

Contradictions. Kaneki’s answers are all contradictory and his reasons so, so  _selfish_. The bitterness on his tongue is like oil to his spark of suppressed anger.  _It’s always about_ you _too, isn’t it?_  Part of Hide’s thoughts spits venomously.  _You think you do what you do are for the sake of others, but in the end it always comes back to_ yourself _._  

It's a fact Hide's been aware of for a while now, as well as one he’d always turned away from to avoid unnecessary conflict between them. He'd convince himself over and over that Kaneki has his reasons, that he's thinking of others when deep down he knows his primary reasons have always been for his own peace of heart. Self-centred, egoistic. And yet.  

"You know I could never hate you." 

That's also the truth. Kaneki's confession made it easier to direct his resentment, his hurt of being left behind and distrusted somewhere, but no matter how Hide had tried and tried and  _tried_  over the years he'd never once been able to hate his best friend. Because he finds them so ironically similar; their mentality and selfishness and overwhelming need to not be left alone. Kaneki might've done what he did, but it's also Hide's own decision to go after him. Kaneki didn't force him to go through all that for him, it's what he decided by himself.  

Kaneki does face him again this time, eyes wide with incredulity. Hoping for blame. "But  _why?”_  

Hide smiles then, an unexpectedly challenging feat. "Because the time we spent together talking, laughing, eating, playing—it all mattered more to me than the reason you left without a word." 

_Because just like how you see me as all you had, you were all I had as well._  

_Because if I were in your shoes, I would've probably done the same._  

_Because in my own way, I'm every bit as self-centred as you._  

"Truth to be told, it  _did_  sting when you suddenly went off like that. I tried to hate you, too. Again and again and again," he writes, silently wishing like many times before that he still had the full use of his voice, that he could somehow express his emotions better than just with written words because he's never been good at it and that  _can’t do_ , not now. "I kept wondering what I could've done differently, what  _couldn't_  I have done to have convinced you that I'm worthy of so little faith. I guess part of the reason I chased after you so desperately was also to prove myself in a way? I don't know." 

He watches Kaneki's eyes flit from word to word, waiting until he's sure he's finished reading before erasing them and starting again.  

"But I kept secrets too, Kaneki. I was never able to tell you I'm not fully human myself. Even after you became a half-ghoul, I couldn't find the courage to tell you I knew your secret and share my own. I couldn't tell you that the world you were trying so hard to keep me out of was the one I was born into and probably destined to return to. I didn't know if you'd believe me then, if telling you at that timing would simply sound like I’m trying to make some sick joke. I too, was afraid to reach out to you." 

_Had I not been afraid, could I have helped you, even by a bit?_  

"How did it become such that we were scared to even talk to each other?”  

It’s a question he's asked himself over and over and  _over_  and still never found the answer to. One he may never find the answer to because he doesn’t want to know, doesn’t want to know. He hastily erases it, not checking if Kaneki's done this time. He doesn't want it to linger, doesn't want it to put a stop to their conversation just yet because there are still things he wants to say, things he thinks he  _has_  to say.  

"Though that sure didn't stop us from trying to protect each other in our own ways, huh? I was actually conscious through most of that scuffle with Nishio-senpai back then, you know. I know you’ve done many things you’re not proud of—we  _both_  have—but for that one time, at the very least, I'd like to thank you for giving your all to protect me.” 

_Thank you, for all the memories that gave me strength to come this far._

_And thank you, for not giving up even when things hurt so much death seemed like your only salvation._

He sets his board down, spreading his arms almost reluctantly when Kaneki’s gaze flits back to him after reading his increasingly messy words. Kaneki stares at him in bewildered stillness for a moment, long enough for Hide to almost feel awkward and question his sense of timing for the nth time.

And then his face just  _crumples,_  and Hide's shifting forward to pull him into a hug.  

It's all as familiar as his own; Kaneki's warmth, touch, scent, heartbeat. Despite all their growth, all the changes to their bodies they still fit so well in the other's embrace as though subconsciously, they’ve tried to keep this one aspect a constant. Hide's vision blurs as he rests his chin atop Kaneki's shoulder, his fingers reaching to comb through the hair over his nape like how he often loved to do. 

_"I missed you so much."_  

Kaneki says right by his ear. Hide nods with a hum, running his free hand across his back in a weak attempt to sooth his trembling. It's his turn to listen now.  

"I was always saved by you, Hide. The times I thought I'd just give up, the times when I thought I was fine with ending everything— _you_  were always there to cheer me on and urge me forward." Kaneki swallows, breathes. "So thank you, too. Thank you,  _thank you_ , and I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you." 

"And  _you_ ," Hide whispers; fierce, raw. He holds them so close that it's difficult to breathe. "I want you to know that I don't regret a  _single_  ounce of effort I put into finding you." 

He means it from the bottom of his heart. Blame and apologies weren’t what he sought, but acknowledgement. Life isn’t as linear as having single reasons for their actions and decisions, and even if they did blame each other now nothing changes. Not the fact that Hide has a chunk of his throat missing or the fact that Kaneki has gone through even more nightmares when it all could’ve stopped that one stormy night. The most they can do now is accept the past, forge on, and perhaps change for the better. 

Hide doesn’t know how long they stay clinging on to each other, but no matter how long it was it doesn't feel long enough. He doesn't want to let go, doesn't want to part from the solid assurance of this other half of his that he's yearned and yearned to feel again for the past five years. So many things are different now—their goals, priorities, relationships—but that's okay, Hide knows, because all it takes is just some getting used to again. It's not the end. Not yet.  

"Kaneki?" The syllables stick in his throat despite his whispers, though it's not from his injury this time. He takes a breath, holding Kaneki closer, just a little  _closer_. "Could we start over? A little more talking, a little less secrets?" 

“If you would still have me.” Kaneki’s voice is muffled against his shoulder; hopeful, tentative. And Hide only  _laughs_  because of course, of course he would still have his bestest friend in the world. 

“There’s nothing more I’d wish for.” 


End file.
